The Working Mom

I'm feeling pretty horrible today. Home with sick Elliot AGAIN. I have missed 7.5 days of school this year because of sick kids and my own health issues. This has been a difficult year. Days like this give me a crazy out of control feeling because I know there's nothing I can do about this. Little Elliot needs me, and my kids will always be my first priority. But it's impossible for me to erase my strong work ethic and my desire to do the best I can do at my job. I am torn between the two. I worry about how this will appear to my colleagues and my bosses. And then I feel bad about being a part-time mom, one who isn't fully there for my children, one who sees them as an inconvenience or a burden. This is not me.

If I could go back and do it again, would I have made the sacrifices necessary for me to be a stay-at-home mom? At this point it's too late -- we have a mortgage that requires two incomes. We wouldn't have been able to afford much. We would be living in a small house, if we were even able to afford any house at all. We wouldn't be able to travel, we wouldn't be able to save for our future like we are now.

And then I have the series of things I use to make myself feel better. My excuses. The summers -- our kids will get to spend every summer with BOTH parents since we are both educators. I tell myself daycare will help my kids be more socially adjusted and ready for school. I tell myself that I'm really not well suited to be a stay-at-home mom and that my kids are better off in daycare where they will have structure and stimulation that I wouldn't be strong enough to give them. I tell myself...

I try not to listen when I hear people say that sending kids to daycare is like allowing someone else to raise my kids. That just hurts too much. But as much as I try to tune it out, I find myself googling things like "daycare effect on children" or "stay-at home mom better."

I am stuck in this terrible middle ground. I have a career that takes me away from my children. As much as I lie to myself, I am not the best parent I could be. And yet, I AM a mother. I won't deny that, and I will ALWAYS put my children before my job. So I will never win Teacher of the Year either. I am forced to be mediocre -- pulled in a dozen different directions each day, not able to give anything the attention it deserves, doing a lack-luster, average job at everything.

I don't want my kids to remember me as the mother who didn't have time for them. Or who didn't have energy to play with them, listen to them. But I am exhausted at the end of every day. Every ounce of energy has been spent, and there's nothing left. I am a firm believer that a person needs to take care of herself first. As a counselor, I tell students this each and every day. I tell them that they can't be any good for anyone else if they don't spend time making sure that their own needs are met first. When I try to apply this to my own life, I feel guilty. How dare I take time for myself, MORE time away from my children, when I put them in daycare 5 days a week?

I don't take care of myself, and I beat myself up for every choice I make. When I don't work out, I am a "fat, lazy slob" and when I do slip away for a bike ride, I am "selfish." These are the things I tell myself. I recognize this, and I know I'm not being fair to myself.

I am probably being a bit too honest here. I know these words will make people uncomfortable, and maybe this vent would be better suited for a private journal. But I don't have one of those, and I really need to get this off my chest.